Sunday, June 29, 2014

There's a hole in my soul, I can't fill it, I can't fill it

Things suck but I have been trying my best to not let them suck for the kids.........yet.
Ella had a swim meet in Montana that she was going to without me this year because I was supposed to be at girls camp (plus there was no way I could ride 12 hours on a bus with my recently repaired knee)
We decided we needed to tell them together but couldn't do that to Ella before she left for fear that she wouldn't go.  We didn't want her to miss out on this, she was so excited.  Logan was at Scout camp so we couldn't tell him anyway.   She gets home late tonight so tomorrow is going to be a total piece of crap day that I hate already.

I don't even know what day this was but Lisa was taking the kids to see Maleficent and I braved it and went with her.  I did okay in my Zombie like state.   I lost control of my emotions on the way home but since I did a good deed and let the YW leaders still take my suburban which left me with a non air conditioned car, the hot wind kept the tears from falling where Ella would have surely seen.

Lucky for me, no good deed goes unpunished and my Suburban came home with a check engine light on and a flat tire so I still get to drive around 1980's style.
I woke up yesterday to see that I have been retaliated against with E.T.
(After sneaking him into the shower while she was washing her hair and scaring the crap out of her, with screaming and all).  I promptly hid him under her covers for bedtime.  She found him a while later and she laughed in a very I'm grown and very mature about E.T. kind of laugh.
I reiterate how important my kids are in getting me through this.  I don't undervalue that one bit.
She is now not afraid of E.T. because she grew up she said so he went with us to Sams soccer games yesterday and to the park where a little boy was very curious as to what he was.   His parents need to open the world up to him a bit I think.  I had my first meal yesterday in 5 days and really only ate part of the burger because my eyes are blurry and I feel dizzy.  Most likely culprit.....Iron.....
I don't enjoy food one bit I have found when I am emotionally disturbed.  
Trust me, I'm disturbed right now.
Dave and Sam missed the fathers and Sons outing they were supposed to have because of one of our other children causing problems at Scout Camp and being sent home so he took us all bowling the next day.  I did not bowl and was kind of sad I couldn't but it wasn't on my okayed list from my OB or from my Orthopedic Surgeon.    Neve and Sam battled it out and each one won a game.   Sam was sad about that.
My cute little Ella looked like she had a great time in Missoula and beat at least one of her times.  I haven't heard from her since she did any of her other events.  This is one of the only reasons to like FB.  To steal pictures of events I wasn't there to witness.
Today, Dave was a very smart Dave and decided that we would skip church and go on a picnic somewhere instead.  You see I was getting ready for church and planning to go to at least sacrament just with him since our kids couldn't go without someone telling them before we get a chance to.
I was already having a hard day and knew Church would be a giant feat that I may have regretted, like going to girls camp on the last night was a regret for me.
Lets be honest too, he is probably growing tired of all the crying.  He's so good and kind about it but even I am sick of it and I am the one doing all of the crying.

We took them to Bridal Veil Falls

And then went to long way home through the Alpine Loop
Logan keeps asking "what is up"? and knows we don't skip church for such things normally
He is patiently waiting for the shit to hit the fan
Sadly I think he was hoping for some kind of positive surprise.
I think he will understand all too well tomorrow.
I did enjoy the day but it never left my mind that I was going to be the one to break their hearts tomorrow and for that I am sad and angry.  I'm very angry.  Not at anyone or at God.  I just feel really angry about this emptiness I feel and about the emptiness my kids will feel. (as I type the kids are in the kitchen telling Neve she will be a big sister and not the baby anymore,  I feel numb to these comments, I'm not sure theres more of my heart to break.  I want those comments to crush me still because the sad felt better than the anger)   People are bugging me and for no reason in particular. Except that most of them don't understand and I don't want them to understand because it is far too painful for me to even wish on someone I hate (although I hate no one).  But in some way I wish they could understand so I didn't feel so alone.   I have had an early miscarriage and it was very different than this.  Still sad but not nearly so painful.   I'm not sure why I have to do this once they look like little people after 3 and 4 months.  It's not right and I know in my heart that all will be made right but in this moment I just want to be pissed off and I'm giving myself that.  I never forget my sweet Rhonda Stohl in these moments and I love her even more for the comfort I receive from her words even beyond the grave.  I know without a doubt that she spoke those words to me for this reason.  She experienced far worse than this and made it through stronger and with a greater understanding and compassion for others and I hope to gain even half of that.  I admire her very much.  But, I trust that she would be okay with me being mad for a while too.
This is the point where I struggle to want to be social again and this will be a big hurdle for me.  I have thought certain people would show they care more than they have or at all and that will also be a struggle for me to let go of.   I haven't forgotten in 6 1/2 years how this goes.  I'm afraid there is an order to how I handle death and I just have to go through it.  I wish there were a shortcut but there is not.   I have a lot more that I question this time.  Not really in a lack of faith sort of way but In a consumed by fear in moving forward and doing the right thing kind of way.  I'm not sure I trust myself.


debbie said...

Ugh! I'm so, so sorry!

I agree with Lisa that it's good to be mad. I read/heard somewhere that as LDS we sometimes think that it's not OK to grieve and be sad because then it means we don't have faith or trust in God's plan. He created us, and He knows that sadness, "madness" and grief are all part of the human experience. (Unfortunately.) So, I say take all the time you need to go grieve.

Prayers and hugs coming your way!

Jill said...

I am so sorry, April. I wish you and your family didn't have to go through this pain....again. It doesn't seem fair. I wish there was a way that all of us who care about you could make it better. I think that the fact that it hurts so much just goes to show what a loving mother you are to ALL of your children.

Love, Jill Storey

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