Things suck but I have been trying my best to not let them suck for the kids.........yet.
Ella had a swim meet in Montana that she was going to without me this year because I was supposed to be at girls camp (plus there was no way I could ride 12 hours on a bus with my recently repaired knee)
We decided we needed to tell them together but couldn't do that to Ella before she left for fear that she wouldn't go. We didn't want her to miss out on this, she was so excited. Logan was at Scout camp so we couldn't tell him anyway. She gets home late tonight so tomorrow is going to be a total piece of crap day that I hate already.
I don't even know what day this was but Lisa was taking the kids to see Maleficent and I braved it and went with her. I did okay in my Zombie like state. I lost control of my emotions on the way home but since I did a good deed and let the YW leaders still take my suburban which left me with a non air conditioned car, the hot wind kept the tears from falling where Ella would have surely seen.
I woke up yesterday to see that I have been retaliated against with E.T.
(After sneaking him into the shower while she was washing her hair and scaring the crap out of her, with screaming and all). I promptly hid him under her covers for bedtime. She found him a while later and she laughed in a very I'm grown and very mature about E.T. kind of laugh.
I reiterate how important my kids are in getting me through this. I don't undervalue that one bit.
I don't enjoy food one bit I have found when I am emotionally disturbed.
Trust me, I'm disturbed right now.
I was already having a hard day and knew Church would be a giant feat that I may have regretted, like going to girls camp on the last night was a regret for me.
Lets be honest too, he is probably growing tired of all the crying. He's so good and kind about it but even I am sick of it and I am the one doing all of the crying.
We took them to Bridal Veil Falls
He is patiently waiting for the shit to hit the fan
Sadly I think he was hoping for some kind of positive surprise.
I think he will understand all too well tomorrow.
This is the point where I struggle to want to be social again and this will be a big hurdle for me. I have thought certain people would show they care more than they have or at all and that will also be a struggle for me to let go of. I haven't forgotten in 6 1/2 years how this goes. I'm afraid there is an order to how I handle death and I just have to go through it. I wish there were a shortcut but there is not. I have a lot more that I question this time. Not really in a lack of faith sort of way but In a consumed by fear in moving forward and doing the right thing kind of way. I'm not sure I trust myself.