Monday, June 23, 2014

I mean after all the things that we've been through

I probably shouldn't blog in this state but I can't talk and I have so many emotions running through me.  All the emotions of true heartbreak.
I don't even close to understand why the few good things I had coming up just got ripped away from me.  I seriously want to be mad at God right now but I've tried and I can't.  Maybe that's the power of the Great Comforter protecting me from that slippery slope.
Last night I started having pain & I knew it wasn't good.  I still tried to have hope but I knew deep down it was no use.  I laid awake all night waiting for the feeling I knew all to well to come of when your body finally let's go of the life.  I held that tiny little baby in one hand and just ached for what could have been.
How do I  tell my kids?  My heart Is broken in a whole different way this time.  For my four sweet kids who were so excited for a new baby.  Kids shouldn't have to deal with this and I thought I had protected them by waiting to tell them once is saw a heartbeat.  I'm not sure why my kids have to suffer.   That's wrong to me,
I was so looking forward to probably my last girls camp this week & that was stolen away from me too.   I'm not sure what good any of this will ever do for me so I'm fighting the terrible feelings that I'm being punished for something.  Poor Dave is stuck getting all the girls camp stuff loaded & gathered up so he can have everyone meet somewhere else to spare me the extra attention I don't want and can't handle right now.
The headache is settling in good.  My eyes are swollen almost shut.  I'm so hungry but can't eat.  My mouth is so dry but I can't drink.   All I want to do is fall asleep and wake up when it's over.  Often times those little people that rely on you to be their Mom is the only thing that gets us through.
The other times I felt like I kind of understood but not this time. This time just feels cruel!


RRWhicker said...

I'm amazed at your bravery to so openly share your pain. I wish I had some awesome words of wisdom for you, but I don't. I do hope you know how many people love and care about you.


Natalie Christensen said...

My heart just aches with you and your family. I too wish I could do or say something to fix it but I have been there before and there is not anything that can make a mom feel better with a loss. I agree with Rachel that hopefully you know how many people love you and would do anything to help. I know life seems so unfair sometimes and unfortunately we do not have all the answers as to the why's. My heart breaks for your kids too, it is not fair to any of you but kids definitely do not understand a loss like this. Thinking of you and sending prayers of strength!

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