Tuesday, July 15, 2014

With all the faces, you were the one next to me

These pictures are in backwards order but my brain is in that same condition sometimes so who cares.

Neve loves to water & help me with yard stuff.  I hope that transfers to the future.
Working in the yard and yes even pulling weeds is so soothing to me.  Even if it's hard work it relaxes my mind & soul.   I spent the 4th of July pulling the disaster of weeds in my front yard and listening to the most haunting alternative music I could find on pandora.   Music helps me heal.  Sometimes I wish I could say its MoTab or hymns but it's not.  I do like many hymns but nothing speaks to my heart the way "my" music does.  
It was the first year I think in my life that I skipped the Magna parade.  The three youngest were out of town with Carri at her ranch & Dave & Logan are losers and don't appreciate a good parade.  
Anyway I was doing well & lost in my jumble of thoughts & a nice friend stopped & handed me a card.  I didn't open it, I didn't need to.  Luckily she scurried away quickly just as I burst into tears.  Not bad tears, healing tears I think but I'm sure I looked quite the sight.  Crying and pulling weeds on the 4th of July.  Happy freaking holiday!  I did eventually open it and cried again when I read the words but it struck me, that it wasn't her words that helped, it was the gesture.   Lack of those gestures by family who is supposed to be there the most has made me feel hurt but I have made the decision to let it go.  I can't make people care nor can I know whether they do and just are awkward about showing it but I can control letting it affect me and I'm choosing good feelings over holding on to the bad.
-Change gear-
This is just a random picture of Logan that he sent me that made me do a double take at how old he is getting.  He's one of those kids that like to seem tough & like he doesn't care but many people who don't give him a chance miss out on a pretty nice & thoughtful kid who has a pretty great sense of humor.  He's still learning when enough is enough though.  I know it will come.  
Lisa tried her darnedest to keep me busy or not lonely or whatever so I couldn't help but take some Harmon pool pics.  I love kids swimming pictures almost as much as tub pictures but there are too many pervs out there to ever share tub ones.  Pool ones are even risky I suppose with the whackos out there.
-change back-
So we told the kids & Logan & Ella cried. Samuel made a very disappointed uhhhh sound especially when I told him it had been a boy & Neve was just telling me she was so sorry the baby died but really they handled it better than I thought.  After I thought a lot about it and realized they had no relationship with the baby and therefore couldn't really have a lot of sorrow for the unknown.   They were very disappointed at the loss of the idea of a baby but their sadness in no way mirrored my own.  For that I was glad.  Neve still tells me she really wanted a baby brother just about every day & that sucks but it's sweet at the same time.
My favorite moment after telling them though was when the crying had been going on for abt 5 minutes & Dave was done trying to explain things to them Sam said "uh, can we leave now?"  He was done with the situation and Dave and I could do nothing but laugh at that kid.
Through this difficult time I just can't imagine life without my friends.  The efforts they made in my behalf, the kind gestures (even my cute yw Syd brought me brownies).   We had a lesson a few weeks back about friendship & I loved it. We are meant to have friendships (Our Heavenly Father planned it that way) and sure it would be just dandy if all we had is laughter and fun with them but I really do believe and know that quite often it is the conflicts and the difficult times we go through that strengthens those bonds.   I have a lot of friends and I know that and am grateful for each of the different kinds of friends I have and the important role they play in my life & my kids lives.   It has also been interesting to me to see how my calling has helped me through this.  I have great friends I serve with and have been deeply touched by my beautiful young women that have reached out to provide care and comfort to me.  I have seen such maturity from them and couldn't be more proud of the people they are.
I'm not much of a preacher type and as most know hold my spirituality pretty close to the vest but I can't not say that the Great Comforter has once again jumped in to rescue me from my sorrow and I am very grateful to have the power of the Priesthood in my life.  If it were possible to die of crying I surely would have drown already without the divine help I have received.
I still don't have a list of how this is all for my good but I have grown and learned some things in 3 weeks time.  I'll be honest though, I sure hope there's a better reason than what I've seen so far or I might be kinda mad.  I don't think mad suits me.
I went to Youth Conference this weekend to Utah State and had an amazing time with our Young men and women & the other leaders.  I think I may have needed those 3 days more than them, in fact I'm sure of it!  
I love this calling more than any other in the church.   Teenagers and all!!!

My next post will prob be a guest blogger (Carri) since I don't want my kids time at the Clarkson ranch to go undocumented


Liz said...

We've been wondering how your family has been doing and how your kids took the news. We love you guys so much and we are so sorry you've had to go through this. We've been thinking a lot about you lately.

Sarah Lee Cakes said...

I didn't even know you still blogged. I looked up my blog to see how long it's been (2.5 years!) and saw you had posted recently. I just spent an hour reading it. It is weird I love seeing Neve wear all Phoebe's old clothes? I'm so sorry about the baby, I really can't imagine your sadness. I miss you and love you.

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