Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Don't think don't worry everything's just fine

What in the crap have I been up to?
and now I got a little breather and its back to work

Sometimes I need an icey one of these but mostly I get by because the girls are amazing and tons of fun and I  seriously might just have a little too much fun w/the other leaders.  Sometimes its unfair to the girls how much fun we adults have.  I bet we even seem drunk every now and then.

Okay, I decided it's time to come clean.   I'm pretty sure now that the miscarriage I had at the beginning of last year started the old hormones into a tail spin.  It took me almost a year to finally figure it out.  I have anxiety and have never been too embarrassed about it.  It is what it is and I can't help it.  What I can do is get the help I need for it so it doesn't ruin my quality of life.  Boy does it ruin that.   Anyway I have been dealing w/something really strange and it has been extremely noticeable to me the last 6 months.  I didn't know what it was but I just felt bad all the time.  I had moments of laughter or fun but I really lacked Joy and it didn't matter what I tried, I couldn't find it.  I gained back 30 pounds of the weight I had worked so hard to lose and I was unhappy inside about it (still am) but I for some reason couldn't bring myself to care enough to fix whatever was wrong.   I started snapping at my kids 2 months ago and noticed I was feeling angry in spurts over really stupid things and I was yelling (I am not a yeller).  My kids would spill something and instantly look nervous.  Right then I knew I had to make a change, whatever it took.  I went to the doctor and lo and behold I have depression.   hmmmmpfff!   That's not a word that I am entirely comfortable with because I haven't experienced it but I am quickly coming around.   I have been on Zoloft since I was pregnant with Samuel and he is 7 so I suppose the drug has lost its potency or I have become way too much for it.   My Dr. changed my drug to a new one and after two weeks on it I had to really refrain from driving  a dumb lady off the road over a simple mistake she made so I called and went back.  I was having odd rage and it was not my favorite.  I think this may be what my Dad experiences.  It's awful.  The Dr. upped my dose and sent me to a Shrink.   Okay not really about the shrink.  I think these people are valid and many of them do a really good job.  My Dr. luckily has very high standards and sent me to a Therapist that I instantly clicked with.  So it seems that I don't have any deep rooted issues that cause my anxiety and now depression and it is mostly a product of heredity and hormones.  She taught me an abdomen breathing technique that is pretty amazing and helps w/the anxiety.   I knew there wasn't much she could solve in my life because lets get real, I am pretty open about most things and I talk to people about it so I don't hold it all in to let it eat me alive.   But, this sneaky little devil found a weak spot and worked her way in to an issue I have had my whole life.  She doesn't like it and wants it corrected.  It's a negative self talk issue that I have to never allow myself to be happy w/the way I look.   She said I have a double standard for myself but it's in the opposite way it usually goes with double standards.  I expect more of myself than I do of others in this arena.   Funny enough its not about anything I do or my personality, its strictly about my physical appearance.    This post is very hard for me to write but after my experience w/my therapist I honestly burst into tears just at the release of something I have never ever told anyone let alone a stranger.   I decided today to fully let it go and this is how I do that.  Make myself vulnerable (even though logically I know others won't judge me.....I do that myself).    I suppose I am a bit vain but not about anything other than being overweight.   One of my close friends told me she never knew that about me and thinks I hide it very well.  I guess even the most open honest people probably have a secret or two.  My secret only hurts me.

I have always let the way I think I look hold me back.   I wanted to try out for Basketball in High school but didn't even though the coach asked me to because I knew people would be watching me. I have always regretted not doing that. I realize I had the potential of being a pretty good player but lacked the training. When I started running outdoors that was a bit of a breakthrough for me but I was 20 years old and pretty thin so you can imagine that it is much harder for me now.   I really hate being up in front of people mainly for this reason too and hate hate hate my photo taken.   I have always been jealous of overweight women who are confident.  They amaze me because I loathe my own excess weight so much that it makes me not think I am as good as someone who is thin or that I will be a better person when I am thin. Keep in mind I don't think thin people are better than not thin people at any time, just myself.  Not logical at all and yes a major double standard.  I do have a healthy view of what I can be and don't expect to ever be super thin and ripped with perky boobs ha ha.   I just think I am too hard on myself to successfully get there right now.

Even in typing this now I have this fear that everyone who reads it will now look at me and think, yea she has gained a lot of weight.  Shame on her!    I'm trying to ignore that...........deep breath!
So as the Therapist (some want to call it counselor to make themselves more comfortable) reminded me of what makes me a good person and how anything I look like or do doesn't define me it makes totally logical sense.   I'm not sure now how to convince myself to BELIEVE her deep inside where it matters.
So,  I figured out yesterday that I actually do have some deep rooted issues.  Sadly they were self created.
Now I get to go back and talk about all my strengths, yippee, that is something I really loathe doing more than having my picture taken.   Man this woman makes me uncomfortable and that is hard to do!    I love her for it though because in order for me to be the best mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter and all the many other roles I/have, I need to deep down know that I am good enough no matter what I look like on the outside.

So my new meds are working and I'm feeling alive again and deep cleaning like my old self.  I know that might seem odd but that was a sign to me that I was feeling good again,  I was cleaning something every day.
I feel like I am on the right track and I don't say this much but I am so grateful for the friends I have that support me and love me and stick it out with me even when I am being a weirdo.  I'm so happy for forgiving forgetting kids for the two months that I was like a wicked witch (my version of one anyway....I really don't like yelling) and Mostly for Dave.   I'm not sure he even really notices or cares about my physical appearance, aside from bathing and wearing deodorant etc....   He has always made me know he thinks I'm beautiful and amazing.  I sure wish I could absorb some of his confidence but more than anything I'm so glad so far most of my kids inherited that from him.  I don't want them to hold themselves back like I did and do.
It's a work in progress (:


The Royals said...

April, you are amazing no matter what! Believe me, most of us women feel the same way about our appearance. Even the "big" girls who seem confident.

Becky said...

Ape, I admire the courage you have to post something this personal and close to your heart. It has really made me think. Although I have no profound words of advice for you i can tell you something I admire about you. You have an incredible ability to retain friends. Therefore, you can COUNT on the many prayers that will be offered by these friends to help support you as you work to feel like yourself again and smooth out this bump in the road. Hey and don't take any crap (even from yourself!!!)

Mitzi said...

Here's one of the best things about your blog. I am across the country, reading every post. I remember what you look like when I first met you, (and I was 17 and thought "she's such a cool person, I want to be cool when I grow up!)
and that was over 10 years ago, and that's who you are in my head. So, with every post, all I "see" in my head is a powerful woman, a loving mother, a devoted wife, a ROCKIN BYU fan, and a great person. I don't see anything else. I hope all of this helps you to be happier. Heaven knows we need more happiness in this world right now. Lots of love.

Angi said...

I have so much to say about this whole thing that I should probably just call you.
However, a few mention-ables for me are:
1. I'm glad that you know to use "lose" and not "loose" when discussing weight.
2. I also can't help but notice that your depression also happens to coincide with my moving away... interesting.
3. It's wonderful that you can admit that you're seeing a "quack". Bravo!

But in all seriousness - this was a really hard thing to read. I love that you are always willing to make yourself vulnerable in an attempt to fix things/help possibly others along the way. It's one of the main things that makes you great. I'm sorry that this has been a rough go, but I'm thrilled that you're feeling better. Even if I really enjoy hearing about your moments of blinding rage.
Just know that I love you and that my deep affection for you is not based on anything physical. I'm strictly in this affair for the emotional support you give me.

Hendricksonblog said...

Hmmmm. I only like your for your looks. So if you lose them, we are Through!
It does totally coincide. You are rude people!

Lisa said...

Ummm you want to come do my post that I am not writing in fear of being judged/not wanting to put into my words my issues and what I am feeling?? You inspire me!! I have many similar problems. Like the same issues, and I keep thinking I wish I had a "Jillian Michaels" to help me break through my issues. I guess there are more people than her and I should consider going to one to work on all my crazy! I love you and who you are more than you will ever know! You are beyond amazing!!
Send the extra meds my way!!!

Aimee said...

Cam't see ti typd causr my etes ate wateri.g. I always know when something is going on inside you but I never want to pry. I always love you and I hope you know that even when I don't ask questions. So much of what others have left in comments I say "dito" to but especially what Becky said about your friends. You are a best friend to lots of people. One of the reasons you are such an amazing friend is because you never judge people. You always see the good in everyone. I'm glad your "counselor" is helping you see the good in YOU!

Natalie said...

Well April, you're brave to let it all out, and I admire you for that. It sounds like you've had a tough time, and I'm so glad you've found good help. Becky is right, you do have a lot of friends and a good support network. It's because of who you are and how you make people feel. Here I am, almost 20 years after we were hanging out together, still feeling like you're my friend. I'm really excited for you and your break-throughs with your therapist.

mamahen said...

April, thanks for your honesty. You are bold and brave and so very good at hiding your hurts and worries. Glad some things are working for you. I admire the way you love and defend those you love and those who need extra understanding and loyalty. Your blog is inspiring on so many levels and so are you. All of us in your family and friends and YW are blessed by your influence.

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