Thursday, January 5, 2012

I'm not crazy, or anything

So I just realized I forgot to give Ella one of her Christmas gifts.  It was in a really junky box so Dave didn't realize it was there and I was too overwhelmed to remember until I was laying in bed last night thinking.

I was thinking about all the things I have in my life and how I have a great life and I hope that I never stop remembering this.  I just never want to be one of those people who are too busy to sit back and enjoy the blessings they have in their life.  Poor ME-ers I call them and I feel bad for them too, for what they are missing out on while they complain.

Everyone has trials and some are more obvious than others!
My trials are odd and I don't understand but I have learned not to ask Why?

I do hate them.  BUT, 
They make me recognize the abundance in my life at the same time so do I really hate them?

I didn't have an easy time getting the four kids I have here but once I did I realized the timing was always perfect.  I suppose someone else knows what they are doing.

I took some prostaglandins yesterday to start a missed miscarriage.
Yes, Again!  (this time @ 11 weeks w/a 6 week sized little guy)
Dave and I were not really planning this baby but lets get serious, we do know how babies are made.
But the odds of me getting pregnant w/out medication is pretty slim.
So it was a surprise, especially to me!
So it was kind of nice to not have to "try" to get pregnant and we were happy even if it gave us an odd # (Sam doesn't like odd).
Dave was excited and I was super anxious and not my regular garden variety anxiousness either.
Something didn't feel right so I insisted he not tell anyone.  He thought I was just being crazy.  I don't like pity or for people to look at me weird or act weird because they don't know what to say!  It all makes me feel worse.  People who know me usually know what to say or not to say and they know I will talk about it if I want to so I guess what I am saying is that I was protecting my own emotions and in hind sight, for very good reason.  I couldn't have handled other people being excited and then let down like I was, that makes it worse for me even if I have no control over how others feel.  I kind of did in this scenario.
This time has been so different for me and while I was sad and disappointed I instantly felt okay about it all.  Okay not instantly, after bawling for 5 hours straight and taking NyQuil to sleep.   
Despite the emotions I really was okay 
but w/me its like flood gates and they have to run dry before I can stop.
I was telling Angi today that I am a talker healer which means I do better to get over things when I can talk about them.  I don't bottle up or hold back well.   Kind of a tell it as it is person but I am very secretive whenever I have been first pregnant.  I suppose because I am such an open book I like to have one thing every now and then that is just my own.

I have thought so much about those women who go through this over and over and never get a child and that makes me sad for them and grateful that is not my scenario.
I am so glad to have these four little faces that need me to get up every day and take care of them.  Sometimes I probably wouldn't get up when things kind of suck!  I like sleep!
Sam consoled me last Thursday right after I found out the baby most likely had stopped growing 5 weeks ago by coming in every hour and saying in his sweetest voice "Mom, you feeling any better?" and "Mom I sure hope you get feeling better soon".   This child is the soothing balm I have needed both times and I will never forget his thoughtfulness even if he had no clue what he was doing for me. Last miscarriage that little sucker had me laughing, crying, and probably snorting all at the same time & he wasn't even 2 yrs old.  The kids have just all thought I was sick because I wanted to save them the heartache it would cause (especially Logan and Ella).  I don't believe in shielding kids from all disappointment and sorrow but since this kind is so hard for even adults to ever process I just felt it better to let them save adult sorrow for adulthood if I could. 
I learned some neat things about little growing babies that I didn't know before and I will save all gory details for anyone who wants them but I absolutely am amazed by the human body and its ability to create life and then create it over and over again.  I'm so glad that although my body struggles to get it right it did a pretty good job 4 times w/that big job.
My body is somewhat retarded in the ways of being female but I will give it credit where credit is due.  It responds amazingly well to modern medicine.  I'm grateful for that if I have to have the issues I do.  Plus, seriously  who doesn't love a good anesthesiologist?
Didn't need one this time but still love them!

I have some great people who I don't think are really trusting me that I am Okay and really I am a bit surprised myself!  I am good, it sucks, but I'm okay.  A miscarriage is no ones preference but I feel like I have a good perspective this time plus I just have too many people counting on me to fall apart right now.  Just kidding!  Maybe its just another blessing that emotionally I am just doing better this time. 
Maybe I'm doing something right.
I had less months invested this time which for sure makes it different 
and those who think that makes no difference, I beg to differ.  
It makes a difference!
Lastly as dumb as men might be sometimes when it comes to dealing w/women and don't worry I could flip that around and it would still be true, Dave is amazing!  There when I need him and leaves me alone when I don't.  He learned early how to tell when I want him to scram.  In physical pain=get away from me and especially don't talk or tell me how big my contractions were on the machine/ In emotional pain=enter at your own risk and bring an absorbent shirt!

Just got a delicious surprise at my door! Thanks!
Lastly lastly because she just reminded me, I know a lot of really awesome people and I am lucky to have the friends that I do.   I appreciate them more than I could or really would ever express (only because it might involve lots of hugging--not a big fan but my YW are helping me get over that LOL)!

We surprise the kids w/their airline tickets to Disneyworld and Sam ran out of the room crying.  I was worried he was such a brat but come to find out he was just so sad that we weren't going to Disneyland! I think this trip to D-world is actually cheaper than our normal ones to D-land.  Dave flies so much to far off lands and then we reap the rewards of sky miles.  Woo hoo!


Natalie said...

Dangit April, I'm so sorry for you. Your feelings are well said. Thanks for sharing about accepting your trials and not asking "why."

Julia said...

April, your honesty and positive outlook always inspire me!



Lisa said...

If you wanted a sad comment from me you should have given me the Disneyworld comment at the first of the blog not at the end!!! Cuz now I am happy for you.
And no people I am not insensitive. I do care about her, but how can her last paragraph not make you smile???

Liz said...

Thanks for sharing April. That's such a hard thing to go through. Sam is such a cute kid! I am so jealous you are going to Disneyworld! One day I will make it there.

Angie said...

Well that just sucks.

If I lived close to you I would high five you because I have this weird thing with hugging people too other than my five I live with.

Do you need cupcakes?

Hendricksonblog said...

Don't want sad comments anyway so I am glad I put that up last!

Chris and Erin said...

Sorry to hear that, I know what you mean about these bodies of ours not performing up to there womenly duties. However I too feel so much love and blessing from the ones that did make it here safe you cant help but be greatful. You sound like you are doing so well and that is amazing, you are a strong lady! And just so this ends happy Have a great time in Disneyworld!!

The Royals said...

I know you're gonna hate this, but I love you! And I am jealous that you are going to DWorld!

Heidi Brown said...

April, I'm so sorry you have to do this. Thank you for sharing. I always find it healing to talk it out too. The longer I know you, the more I admire your strength.

Those kids of yours are sure cute. Kylee is wanting another play date with Ella and Sam. We love all of you!

Do you think you could fit five tag alongs into your luggage? No? Just thought I'd ask.
Maybe you could give Mickey a hug from me. Have a great time!

The Bronson Bunch said...

April, I love your perspective. I am sad that you had to go through another miscarriage. I can't imagine the heartbreak. Glad you really are o.k. with it. I know how frustrating it can be to be asked a thousand times how are you feeling when you really are ok!

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