Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Oh dear, I'm in a mood. Here we go! This will be a novel!
Where shall I begin?
Here have been the 3 top things on my mind the last 3 days

My old friend has joined my team again. She is my body bugg. Still kind of reeks of my sweat from last year but I strapped her on anyway. She helped me lose 35 lbs and learn a lot about my body. It then took me quite a long time to lose 5 more w/out her. Lesson learned and We are at it again and shooting for (hopefully) the last 20. I have this thought of how thin is too thin but then I realize I will cross that bridge if/when i ever get there. Wish us luck.
My favorite weight loss gear right now
-My Elliptical
-My TV and DVR that sits directly in front of my elliptical
-My body bugg
-My husband who is working hard for the same results
-My Treadmill who gets love a few times a week

So many people I know are really struggling w/this right now.
I weened myself off my Zoloft at the beginning of December. I was only taking 1/4 of a pill so I figured I wouldn't need it. DEAD WRONG!. You see, I think my ridiculous hours of exercising were keeping the anxiety at bay but then that unthinkable happened to my exercise room and the exercise had to stop dead in its tracks. 2 days in I could feel myself slipping. 6 days in I cried myself to sleep w/a ridiculous made up by my own mind scenario of my family getting into a horrific accident and I was making sure all the children were not dead since I had just realized Dave had died in the front seat next to me. I bawled my eyes out as if I were really there at his funeral. I was not functioning well and the "blue" feeling started settling in. I knew the depression that accompanies anxiety was not far behind. After I gained some sort of control that night of "the car accident", I said out loud to myself "tomorrow you need to start Zoloft again" and I did.
I feel so much better but I cannot stop myself from wanting to stop taking it every so often.
What is my deal about that? Do I feel like less of a person relying on a drug to function well?
I also take Metformin that I have to take 2 times per day for other issues. So I have 2 monkeys (well in pill form anyway). Why do I make myself suffer by trying to go off the tiny fragment of a pill when I feel so much better (and less people die) when I take it. Is it pride? I don't think so since I am not secretive about it. Do I feel that this issue must at some point be healed? Is it the fixer in me?
I would like to say that having the children jacked me all up but mine started in high school w/phantom stomach pain. The children just exacerbated it.
I love my kids and I just am not the mom I want to be when I am paranoid about everyone elses safety. I'm not sure I fear my own death, just that of those I love or the random boy walking alone down the street.

What I worry about constantly even medicated
-bad guys who will kidnap my kids (I didn't say the worry was rational)
-Car accidents
-I have hurt someones feelings or said something stupid
-My weight

I had a long thinking time w/myself the other night while waiting to fall asleep. I just thought about each of my kids separately and specifically. I realized how hard I am on my two oldest and that I need to praise them more and not pick so much at every little thing they do wrong.
Four kids is a lot of work and keeps me busy but I can't ever seem to shake the feeling of seeing what just one more might look and be like. Bad thing about that is I am not sure that I will ever shake that feeling even after child number 15...given I could conceive that many times. And why on Gods green earth would I even think about considering going through that infertility hell again? Our brains were so well made minus this little glitch. How do you know when enough is enough? At what point can you just not be a good parent anymore? Do you just decide? yeah right! then you get that curve ball that ends up being referred to as the straggler their whole life. I am not baby hungry nor am I even thinking of having another but all of these thoughts still constantly run through my mind. Is this a female thing? or am I more crazy than I thought?

So there you have it!
What might occupy my mind when all these go away?
Maybe I should read a book during idle time, it seems healthier and safer than letting the old noggin run wild.

I always tell my friend Lisa that the more she talks, the more people realize she is ca-raze-ay!
I know the same is probably said each time I post, right along with "man she is random".

Happy New Year! (;
originally this post had a direction and was spurred by my friends blog but I kind of lost my train of thought. OOPSIE!


Julia said...

A psychiatrist I know said he'd have to find a second job for income if all of his patients stayed on their meds. Most of his caseload comes from patients who were doing great on their meds, decided they were better and didn't need the meds, then took nose dives when they went drug-free.

A loved one of mine has fought for the majority of his life to find the right medication for crippling depression, anxiety, and OCD. He's had seizures, hallucinations, and so many other side effects in the search for the right med. He never found the right combination and he refuses to try anymore. So, I say if it works, run with it!

I love your honesty and candor. I can relate to your post in so many ways. I think the bottom line (for me) is that moms need to put their well-being waaaaaaay at the top of the priority list. Everyone fares better when we do...

Sending love!


The Royals said...

The more Lisa talks and the more you blog makes me realize that I am usually right there with you!!!

Natalie said...

That's what I catch myself thinking. "Why am I wanting more kids when I'm struggling with anxiety/depression to begin with?" Maybe it's the crazy in me.

Me, I don't worry so much about car accidents and kids dying. I worry about killing my kids or intentionally causing a car accident. Not really, but close. It's the little, daily, normal tasks that start to overwhelm me, and simple things like getting behind on laundry or forgetting a receipt when I want to return something at target, or the thought of even making my bed, overwhelm me and make me feel like I can't breathe. That's when I know I need my little pill friend again.

For now, I will continue to enjoy my affair with the pill, until I decide to break up again.

By the way, I'm making a solo trip to Utah on March 17th. I want to hang with friends. Are you my friend?

Hendricksonblog said...

DUH Natalie!
We should make a plan, sounds fun and we can compare pill boxes. LOL
I wrote this post late last night and then got up this morning and was like "what the crap" "oh well"
Seems like I am divulging all my secrets but I got plenty more where that came from.

Noslo Family said...

I'm an overprotective, crazy mom. Realizing just how fragile life is. Especially after me being the one to almost kill my children in 2009 in accidents! As for the having more children: Chris and I agree that we are done - but I felt bad after giving away all my maternity clothes and thinking about getting rid of the baby gear. I don't understand why I feel bad about that when being preggo means 9 mo of throwing up hell for me.

Rachel said...

I love your honesty April. The rest of us are just too chicken to say them outloud. I'm having the more kid inner debate too. I don't think I wanna go down the prego and newborn road again, but being done seems so final.

Hendricksonblog said...

The sad truth about all that is my mom tells me that she had a hard time saying she was done too even after 8 children. She just said it's hard to move on to that different stage of life when this is the one you have known for so long.
Oh Dixie seriously I am not even very sick pregnant and I can't stand it so If I were more like you, I may not have the 4 kids I have.

Angie said...

I remember being a girl and was feeling kind of bad about myself and my mom said something to me that is still one of my most favorite things ever. She said, "Even (GIRls name) has stinky farts."

Fart away!

Lisa said...

Crazy is as crazy does. I love this post!! But I truly feel I really am done with babies. I KNOW I could not take anymore. I am going crazy maybe needing meds crazy with the 4 I have sometimes. I don't want anymore. I fear on so many levels of what I would turn into. I just want to loose 14 more pounds and not put them back on for a baby. Selfish?? Maybe. But hey I think I need to go to bed it is late and I am rambling and I think I should just call you.

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