I came back............
I looked through an old journal and realized again how much I suck at journaling but there are some things I'd really like to get remembered so here I am.After 4 plus years of trying to have another baby and 2 lost pregnancies I finally got pregnant sans fertility meds with my little Thomas.
The pregnancy sucked but I hate being pregnant. I got whooping cough even after having been vaccinated and I snored like a bear. I retained water like crazy and had elephant ankles. It was just an all around mess but a means to an end of a stage of my life.
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| Sick and wrong |
2 weeks before my due date (On June 13th) I went to my regular Dr. appt. He did not like my blood pressure nor really the looks of me in general and he sent me downstairs to labor and delivery to have some tests run for preeclampsia. My blood pressure was terribly high which is very very odd for me since I generally have very very low pressure so they decided I must have the baby asap. The tried many many times to get an IV going and blew many veins. I was retaining so much water it was hard. Finally the anesthesiologist got it on his second try.
They got me on pitocin and got the anestesiologist (every laboring womans favorite person) and got the epidural going. I was only about to a 3 and my Dr. had said that the baby was dipping lower than he liked to see and he would let it go another hour and if nothing happened he would have to take him c-section. 10 minutes later he came back in and said we need to get the baby out because he wasn't liking what he was seeing and my BP was 205/108 or something ridiculous like that. So we do that whole rigamaroll and they pull the baby out and the Dr. says, he's small as I see them pass him back through a window to the NICU nurses I assume. Soon he was back and Dave had him and was trying to show me but I had these wicked convulsions going on. I hear that are from epidural but I couldn't stop shaking. Dave was a little freaked out but the anesthesiologist told him it was normal.
I then worried a bit but soon was put under and gone.
I think Dave waited an hour or so to hear. I had a bleed from my uterus so they had to take the staples out and reopen my abdomen to find it and repair it. I was given 2 liters of blood to replace the blood I had lost and then sewn back up. I do not remember waking up but I remember being in a weird place all of a sudden. I was in the main hospital in the shock trauma ICU. So I guess it was a scary thing. But I realize when you are the patient I don't know that you know to be scared.
I spent one horrendous hellish day in that place. I did not get one ounce of sleep and could not see my baby. Although, I wouldn't have been able to hold him anyway so Dave brought me pictures. Ella and Logan could come see me but Neve and Sammy were too young. Logan just kept saying how much he hates hospitals. You and me both buddy. At least you are just visiting.
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| I imagine this is what I would look like in a coffin I think |
After getting transferred to the Womens center I started having trouble getting my catheter to drain properly and kept telling the nurses so they would mess with the tube and get it to drain into the bag but then it would just do the same thing again and again. I kept asking them to see if we could pull the catheter so I could just use the toiled regular human style. They put me off for a whole day before pulling it.
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| communicating with Ella while she's in Missoula |
As the days wore on it became more and more painful to sleep and I kept getting the stabbing pain often throughout the day. I was on double the pain meds I was on when I first came home and I was really concerned something was wrong but at the same time knew c-sections were hard and different so of course I waited................too long...............until I was in so much pain I couldn't even breath properly. Wednesday the next week Nellie took me to the ER at IMC. They got me IVed and drugged and sent me for a CT. Results: The whole right side of my body was full of urine and blood and my kidney was very much larger than it should be. Something was wrong with my ureter and it was blocked so the urine and blood was backing up into my body. The ER Doc said "there's a very good reason you are in pain"! I was so glad to hear that. I was worried maybe I was just a baby even though I don't think I am wimpy about pain. So back to the hospital to be admitted I go. I wanted to cry except I knew they had IV pain meds and so I wanted to hug them too. And, I'm not a hugger!
The next day I went into angio to have a neph tube put in my kidney to drain it. It was unbelievable how much blood and urine drained. I would say easily a gallon plus and slowly my pain eased with each pouch that drained and my abdomen slowly softened up. Finally relief. I got to go home and on my way in the door at 10 pm from the hospital I caught the tubing on my doorknob and it yanked the drain out. I cried. Who does that? I was not in pain but out of mental anguish. I forgot to mention that I had found a hot red puffy spot on my leg while in the hospital this time and they found blood clots. Good hell, was I trying to die? Was modern technology and medicine keeping me alive and it is my time to die. I really thought this. So I go through all this pain and agony and aching for over four years to finally bring this boy into the world and then I die? That story sucks!!! God would have an angry elf on his hands when I got there, a very very angry elf.
So after 7 million phone calls the next day the on call angio team got me back in the replace the neph tube. Sadly this time I had eaten a banana to take pain meds so I had to have it done without sedation. Holy moley! Not my favorite. Not as painful as the stabbing but a very different alien kind of pain. I powered through and was glad to not have to wait for the stupid anesthesia to wear off to go home. This time I took very very tender care of my new best buddy. (this was saturday)
On Tuesday I went back in to Angio so they could hopefully put a stent in my ureter. I was crossing my fingers and praying that this time they could get through so I could sooner get back to being a real human pee-er again. Success!!! ooooh ughhhh is this what success feels like? I had the painful urgency to go piddle but no piddle in the bladder. What???? This is a side effect that may or may not go away. I was contemplating suicide. Not really because that's not funny but kinda I wanted to choke people because of this feeling. It's very agitating. Luckily by the next day it faded a little or maybe I just got used to it. My OB put me on Keflex (evil antibiotic) to protect me against all this bodily intrusion. Sadly good antibiotics mean wicked diarrhea and it's a ten day deal. I give up. I'm tired. 3 weeks and 4 days in and I'm still mending and I'm not very good at resting but I'm getting weird headaches which bring me back to my infirm reality. I have to take a nap every day. Who is this person? I'm weak and easily winded. I've lost 45 pounds literally from blood, sweat, tears in 3 weeks time and I still have no appetite.
This has taken a toll and yet, all I feel is joy
Thomas Adam Hendrickson was born June 13th @ 10:10 pm and was a healthy 5 lb 10 oz & 19 in.
That is all that mattered to me.
I have known this boy would be in our family for some time and have been patiently waiting for him to come. I had faith even though it was often frustrated faith. I have done what was asked of me to get him here and I feel my reward was for him to be healthy. I could not have handled a sick baby. I'll take it for the team little boy, every freaking time!!!
I have never in my life felt so much joy and love for the people in my life. Not just the baby either. My kids have all been amazing and helpful and kind and my family and friends but especially our parents. Dave takes the cake though. He's a great man and I love him so much and more deeply than I ever did before. I've seen what he's made of but this took it to another level. He treats me so wonderfully and is much better to me than I am to him. I am so lucky to have him and my kids are so lucky he's their Dad.
The blood clots have disappeared, I get the Neph tube out on the 20th and the stent on Aug 19th. Things are looking up in the world and I'm not missing my family vacation by trying to die!!!
